1.13 Self-Awareness of Personal Values and Beliefs Around Sexuality
Your individual values and beliefs around sexuality shape how you see and interact with the world. Most commonly, these values impact issues like when and why to engage in sexual activity, responsibility, contraception and pregnancy decisions, sexual health, or types of relationships. People who know where they stand and can articulate why they feel the way that they do are more confident when it comes to personal decision-making. They are better able to communicate what they do and don’t want and their boundaries and are less likely to feel regret about their decisions because they aren’t conflicted about their actions clashing with their beliefs. Take for example two people; one firmly believes that sex should only occur when protection is used, where the other person really hasn’t thought about where they stand and is ambivalent. If a sexual partner doesn’t want to use protection, the first person may be more likely to stay firm in their belief and let their partner know that sex won’t be happening without a condom or dental dam; whereas, the second person may agree to have unprotected sex and later regret their decision. Being self-aware and having a solid understanding of our values and boundaries is an asset because it can help us make deliberate and informed decisions, while at the same time meeting our needs and desires.
At the same time, we’re socialized to place value judgments on people based on their behaviors. A lot of this has to do with how the multiple layers of influence, like family, peers, education, and the media, have dictated what is and is not acceptable. An all too common result is that people react negatively or defensively when faced with something that deviates from those norms. We often fear the unfamiliar because we haven’t had experience dealing with people or concepts unlike us. As a result, we default to either/or thinking for example, it’s either good or it’s bad. This can limit us by restricting our view of how we can live and what can make us happy.
Sexuality includes topics that you might question or react to negatively. It might be a form of sexual expression or relationship that you think is strange or unappealing, or perhaps a form of contraception that you can’t imagine why anyone would want to use. Challenge yourself to think about why you are reacting in that way. What is it about that idea that makes you uncomfortable, angry, or appalled? Is it because you can’t relate? Or you think you wouldn’t find something enjoyable? Stop and think about it from an alternate perspective. People must have reasons why they might act or think a certain way. If these reasons were of no benefit to anyone, people wouldn’t do it. Sexuality is one of those topics where there are bound to be differing opinions, desires, and likes. Challenge yourself to be open-minded as you consider these topics. Try thinking in terms of both/and logic, which means that even seemingly opposite things can actually exist in balance and harmony. We can see the diversity in viewpoints while at the same time holding on to our own values.
Student Perspectives: What are the biggest sources of influence on your values and beliefs about sexuality?
Acknowledging Your Influences and the Influences of Others
Sexuality educator, researcher, and author, Emily Nagoski, uses the following metaphor in her New York Times bestselling book, Come As You Are, to help us understand our personal experiences with sexuality (2015):
“On the day you’re born, you’re given a little plot of rich and fertile soil, slightly different from everyone else’s. And right away, your family and your culture start to plant things and tend the garden for you, until you’re old enough to take over its care yourself. They plant language and attitudes and knowledge about love and safety and bodies and sex. And they teach you how to tend your garden, because as you transition through adolescence into adulthood, you’ll take on full responsibility for its care.
And you didn’t choose any of that. You didn’t choose your plot of land, the early years of your life.
As you reach adolescence, you begin to take care of the garden on your own. And you may find that your family and culture have planted some beautiful, healthy things that are thriving in a well-tended garden. And you may notice some things you want to change. Maybe the strategies you were taught for cultivating the garden are inefficient, so you need to find different ways of taking care of it so that it will thrive. Maybe the seeds that were planted were not the kind of thing that will thrive in your particular garden, so you need to find something that’s a better fit for you.
Some of us get lucky with our land and what gets planted. We have healthy and thriving gardens from the earliest moments of our awareness. And some of us get stuck with some pretty toxic crap in our gardens, and we’re left with the task of uprooting all the junk and replacing it with something healthier, something we choose for ourselves.”
Optional Reflection: Your Garden Plan
Take a moment to consider how this information applies to your life. You can type your response below and have the option to export your reflection by advancing to the next slide using the button at the bottom of the text box. Please note, the e-textbook platform does not collect or save your responses.
When thinking about your own garden and how it’s brought you to where you are today, consider other people’s gardens. What people, organizations, or systems impacted their values, attitudes, and actions? We can never fully know what another person has experienced unless they tell us, but we can be mindful of how their garden might look different or similar from ours.
Learn More: Student Perspectives – What Do You Wish You Would Have Known Before Coming to College?
Self-Assess Your Understanding
- What are the biggest sources of influence on your values and beliefs about sexuality?