1.15 When Values and Actions Conflict
As we grow up, we might recognize that we’re conflicted about the values and beliefs from our upbringing and how we now think about what is right or best for ourselves. What’s responsible for these changes? It might be the transition to college, a shift in the place and/or people with whom we live, a change in peer group, a personal experience, or learning something new.
What happens when someone has one set of ideas and values about something, but then acts in the complete opposite way in real life? This can often cause a lot of internal struggle and has the potential to create negative outcomes for not only the individual, but also for other people in their life. Let’s think about a person who was raised to believe that sexual activity is something that should only occur within marriage and for procreation purposes. What if the person is dating someone and in the heat of the moment decides to have sex? After, the person may feel conflicted because they had engaged in something in conflict with their values and beliefs, but at the same time they care about their partner and enjoyed the intimacy they shared. This confusion in values can create an internal struggle and pose challenges in future dynamics of the relationship.
Regardless of the types of relationships you have, clarifying your own personal values and beliefs, thinking about how they might affect your sexuality, and having a conversation about them with partner(s) at the start of the relationship can help to prevent future struggles.
Student Perspective: How have your values and beliefs about sexuality changed over time?
When Values and Beliefs Conflict with Those Important to Us
Sometimes we worry about what our family, peers, or cultural or faith communities will think if they find out that our values and beliefs differ. Maybe it’s something that they have no business knowing, but sometimes it may come up in conversation at family gatherings, in the classroom, or at a cultural or faith-based event. It’s still really up to you to decide whether or not you want to communicate with the people and communities with whom you may differ and if it’s pertinent to and/or safe within your relationship.
While you ultimately get to choose what you divulge, this may not always feel like a true choice. Systems and people of true and perceived power, larger cultural narratives, and other relationship dynamics or realities can make it seem as though we don’t have autonomy related to our values and beliefs or whether and how we disclose them. Attempt to recognize and anticipate these places and people in your life and practice open, critical thought about your best options to feel more prepared.
When these situations occur, you’ll need to make a decision about whether it’s worth speaking up and possibly starting an argument, or simply keeping your views to yourself. Think about what you might gain or lose. What are your values telling you? Be cognizant that it may take some time for others to adjust to what you’re telling them or the chance that they won’t accept it at all. If you firmly know where you stand, you’ll be better able to articulate why you feel the way you do when other people question your beliefs and experiences.
Student Perspectives How do differences of opinions on topics related to sexuality affect your relationships?
Self-Assess Your Understanding
- Why is it important to clarify your personal beliefs and values around sexuality?
- What can you do when your values and beliefs conflict with others important to you?