dreaming of my last day on earth

Recently I was offered the opportunity to write on a specific prompt along the lines of our “Last Day on Earth Plans.” Basically, how would I spend my last day on earth? It seems basic, an easy and silly prompt. For some reason though, the idea of this prompt inspired me. It inspired me to reflect on myself, and picture my life in a way I hadn’t before. It made me realize all of the important things I wanted to accomplish. I thought about things that are important to me, and things that I deemed unnecessary. At first I didn’t think the prompt was too serious, but as I started writing I was taken aback myself about how eye-opening this truly was.

Here is the actual journal entry I wrote that day:

If today was my last day on earth I would be stuck. I can’t even fathom what I would do. I’m 21, there is an impossible amount of things I still want to do. I wouldn’t know where to start. As for who I’d want to be with, I think I would choose to be alone. Of course I would say goodbye to my family and my friends, but it would be too much to be with them while experiencing this for myself. I would like to find a place that I love. Be alone with my thoughts. Try and relax and not think about what’s to come. Maybe I’d read my favorite book. Or a tragic one. I know I’d want to be outside in the sun. Somewhere warm, preferably by the ocean. A nice cafe, in a pretty dress. I would want to be at peace. And for that I would need to be alone. 

peace

I strive to find peace within myself. I am a chronic overthinker and I deal with anxiety and depression daily. All I want for myself is to feel peace. Peace within my mind, my heart, my body. My mind is always running away from me.

There are few things in the world that I have discovered where I feel truly at peace. One of the truest ones being a book. I get lost in books. There are a handful of books that I have sat down and read in one sitting because I became consumed in their stories. I love the creation of mentally beautiful characters. Getting lost in a book is one of the only ways I feel fully free. I’m currently reading Prozac Nation. It’s a memoir written by Elizabeth Wurtzel where she opens up a window into her life of dealing with depression as a young woman. It’s an amazing book, she was able to write down her life in a way that is so raw and relatable. I’ve never felt more seen through someone else’s story. There are so many pieces of her life that I connect with and have never been able to put into my own words. Although her story is far from ‘peaceful,’ I feel at peace reading it, knowing that all of these struggles can be real, and I’m not just some crazy person making it up. This is probably one of the most important and influential books I’ll ever read because of how much of myself I see through her story.

I tend to achieve physical peace when I’m in the sun. It’s true that they say sunshine cures anything. I am a different person in the summer. Or when I’m on the coast somewhere warm. I feel free from my mind when the sun seeps into my skin.

art

I dream of the romantic and artistic feel of southern european countries. I picture myself living there so easily. Life would feel simple. Easy. Something about that area draws me in so fiercely. The novel Call Me By Your Name was a huge factor of inspiration for living in this part of the world. The connection of nature and the world to literature was profound in this writing. I loved every second of it. Literature has such strong ties to this area and I want to experience it in my life. I have always been drawn to literature. Reading a classic novel is such a comforting experience. I also have an interest in Shakespearean era literature. It feels more like art than words on a page.

I’ve always been so drawn to the architecture and landscape of this area as well. I’ve fallen in love with a place I’ve never been before. Movies and pictures are enough to convince me that I’m missing out. I dream of the gorgeous buildings and courtyards in Spain. I want to visit the rolling vineyards in the countryside. Living in these places is a dream that I hope to make a reality.

Physical art has a huge hold on my heart as well. I love surrounding myself and analyzing pieces of art, paintings specifically. I could get lost for days in a museum. They are incredibly peaceful, even magical. It’s so easy to get drawn in and lost in a piece of art, and that is what feels so real to me. I find myself wishing I was more of an artist. I envy the people that can create something so beautiful, so easily. I dream of having that innate ability to make art.

being alone

In the least depressive way possible, I thrive on being alone. When everything is quiet, and I have my thoughts all to myself, I feel comfortable. Even if I am unhappy with the constant thoughts swarming in my head, it’s familiar, and it’s something that doesn’t need an explanation. I love the people in my life, and I would miss them dearly, but I wouldn’t be able to fully lose myself if I spent my final day with them. I would be too worried about them, what they are thinking and feeling; and how it would affect me. It would all be too much.

I don’t need the burden of worrying about other people. I would send my love. I would say goodbye to the people that matter most. But I wouldn’t fully be able to let myself go if I wasn’t alone.

I would want to be at peace. And for that I would need to be alone.